*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
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I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”