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“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.