Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”