Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
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If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?