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Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?