Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
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My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
this post was so formative to me
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.