Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
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[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
And bowling should be called pinball
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other