me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
You Might Also Like
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Beware of fowl play.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?