PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
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we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Pretty certain I can more drunk
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
What the hell is going on?
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I am, perchance
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee