when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
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Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?