Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
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“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner