Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
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does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother