This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
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Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
This is sending me to another galaxy
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.