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Oh my god
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
my favorite genre of twitter
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**