Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
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Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!