Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
You Might Also Like
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.