[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
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[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Welcome to the stomach
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.