babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
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It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
No chill.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?