Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
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My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge