I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
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“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
The struggle is real
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
the three branches of government