Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
You Might Also Like
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Some people were born into their job.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.