I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
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Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one