so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
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Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.