I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
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ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
When you’re Kinky but poor
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain