interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
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Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
At least try to make it slightly believable
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.