*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
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If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
me before I type out affect or effect
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
My flabber has been gasted.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly