Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
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I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
You learn something every day
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.