[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
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My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”