I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
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Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there