[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
You Might Also Like
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Most fashion shows these days…
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
happy mother’s day❤️
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.