Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
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Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Oh yeah that’s it
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?