The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
You Might Also Like
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?