Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
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Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.