Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
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My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Not today
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.