Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
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Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.