I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
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[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”