My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
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When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Happy thanksgiving!
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.