COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
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Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
what could possibly go wrong?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out