HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
You Might Also Like
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
courtroom exchange of the day
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Had to try this trend 😊
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.