“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
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Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.