next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
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Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow