Sunday
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Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
why am I working on Labor Day
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed