Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
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[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
The future is now.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
#Caturday
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.