My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
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Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE