Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
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[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.