[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
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evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.