“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
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This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.