I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
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Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record