[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
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Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
You can’t outrun your problems…
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*