According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
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Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*